Thoughts
of a Brokenhearted
Love,
like so many things in my life is a changing concept. Lately though, love for
me has taken on a horrible spin. All it took was one phone call from a friend
who told me my boyfriend has finally decided to leave me for her!
In a
moment, my world crushed to pieces. A dark cloud enveloped my whole being.
Suddenly
love became nothing but a dangerous game where everybody wins except me. I
thought of it as a fraud, which brings momentary happiness, but in truth will
just lead one to unbearable suffering.
For
quite a long time, I allowed myself to be swallowed by dark emotions. I spent
my days in a quandary and my nights in tears. It felt like nothing would ever
be the same again. I desperately wanted my life back to normal.
But I
struggled to get out of that mess. “No one can hurt me without my consent,” I
constantly reminded myself. I surrounded myself with supportive and pleasant
people; friends, family, even strangers, anybody who cared. I started joining
organizations; concentrate in my studies, I even started a new hobby. I
practically did everything that would keep my mind off it. I was willing to try
anything and anybody just to hear myself say, “I finally got over it.”
But,
everything I've tried relieved me only for a while. The pain remains as real as
the air I breathe! I still feel weak. But it's a blessing to finally have the
strength to admit that at present, I am not in control of my emotions. Time
will heal all these wounds. Just wait, be practical and as time passes by, the
pain will go, for pain is the breaking of the shell which encloses our
understanding.
Just
the other day, I found myself thinking about the four-letter word, hoping to
grasp its significance in my life. It was a fruitless attempt. Love is
something I don't need: something I'm better off without and the more I think
about it, the more absurd and pathetic it seemed to me.
I
closed my eyes and in surrender, I let the word love dominate my thoughts.
Gradually, an array of emotions represented by colors formed in my mind. It was
a heavenly sight, like a melted, multi flavored icing. There were all sorts of
colors imaginable, constantly mixing, hues and tones. Changing every second as
it goes round and round; getting wider as it beats and moves to an invisible
rhythm that is both soothing and slow. It was easy to be lured by its splendor.
But it was a trap. One stare too long and the images haunt your every waking
moment.
After
a while every reason which drawn you to it fades. Its magnificence ceases and
all that’s left is making you dizzy and numb. It becomes art in its gruesome
form, losing both its essence and style.
I
opened my eyes, half torn, and half relieved but smiling, assured by the faith
that all is part of the healing process. Recovery, without even exerting any
effort will come sooner than I expect, at a time when experiencing it doesn’t
matter anymore. It won’t be long till my whole life light up…beauty and
happiness in all sorts of shades…
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